Ivonne’s told me there have been a number of inquiries into how I’m doing, and I thought, shit, you know what? I haven’t updated anything in a while, so might as well take a few moments and do just that.
So let’s see, where did we leave off?
Girls were on their way back from SD and we were looking forward to Phase 2 … ok, got it now.
So yeah, that two weeks they were gone was really interesting in all kinds of positive ways; I was -very- happy to see them come home, though. It’s been a whirlwind since, but again, all in positive ways. Reza’s back to school now, Ivonne’s dropping into school-day routines and I’m back in the saddle at work, but I really feel like things have made a significant turn for the better in almost every way.
Almost. I’ll get to that, though.
Getting my head together was super-necessary. Personal interaction was key to progress. Gotta keep in mind that I have rarely been by myself my entire life: Oldest of six, married then divorced by 24, roommates, girlfriends, wife and child. When I was younger I didn’t really care that I didn’t have personal time in that way, but as I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to understand that without personal introspection, there’s no way to know who you really are or what you stand for. Air pressure initiates breathing and that influence is removed in a vacuum; It’s a good thing to experience now and then. Not sure how I’m going to work that out in the future though, because I have a thing about feeling guilty for being away from the girls if, under normal circumstances, I could easily do so. Something I gotta work through.
Music production has come back into full swing… kinda. I finished the track I was working on when Ivonne was away but only just started a new one yesterday. While I’m not happy with the delay, I see why it was inevitable. This is another area where I really need to try to find a balance: It’s extremely difficult to be an attentive husband and father with cans on your head; It doesn’t feel right to me to come home, throw on shorts, sit down at my studio chair and dive into production. But at the same time, I’ve gotta figure out when and how to appropriate that time. Now, I’ll freely admit to playing The Last of Us quite a bit recently – time I could very well be spending in front of my monitors, but I can justify that somewhat in that I can at the very least have a conversation with Ivonne while getting taint-fucked by zombies whereas when I’m writing I have to find that zone, that -place-, and it’s difficult to do with even positive distractions.
Anyway, I’m not in the business of making excuses, mind you, just throwing it all out there. Bottom line is that I’ve gotta figure this one out ’cause I’ve got goals, things to do, shit to make, asses to rock, etc.
With that in mind, though, I think Ivonne and I are stronger than ever. I know people are concerned if I’m on the right path, and there’s no doubt that the decisions I’ve made over the last month or so have been the best possible for me, for my family, and the interactions I have with the people I love and respect. I won’t lie – there’ve been couple times where I’ve really wanted a beer or something, but it’s never been enough to think that it would be a good idea. Two different things. The idea sounds awesome, but the reality isn’t in a lot of different ways, first and foremost, I don’t want to tarnish the progress Ivonne and I have made. She’s really happy with me right now and I’m not into fucking that up for beer. Sorry. So, on we go.
Oh! Yoga! Before I forget. I dig yoga, man. I’m all about it. I need to do more – to be more diligent about daily (or at least every other day) practice – but Reza’s done it with me the last two times I’ve rocked it and that’s pretty awesome. She’s really encouraging, too.
So that’s the scoop! That’s where we are. It’s a much better place to be, and while there are wrinkles to iron out, I’ve gotta be optimistic about the fact that the big ones aren’t obstacles and the next ones aren’t insurmountable.
My pseudo-bachelorhood ends in 23 hours. As the girls make their way across the US/Mexico border – hopefully with sanity and contraband intact – I shall take the time to reflect on the last few weeks and see where we find ourselves.
Get on your bikes and ride!
I have missed them terribly, but I needed to check my head in a real and fastidious way. Granted, it’s not that I couldn’t do that with the girls around, but what a great opportunity to step outside the maelstrom of daily life and recognize what’s important without the constant exertion of what I would consider “normal” pressure; sometimes you need silence to appreciate sound. I really feel that they’re coming back to a better husband and father, if for nothing but taking small steps toward bigger results, and that perception provides me the impetus to keep doing good things.
I told C yesterday that I’m worried about becoming complacent, about going back to standard habits that may or may not encourage even worse habits. I don’t believe that line of thinking is indicative of eventuality rather the observation that the possibility exists and that it can be avoided. It’s like knowing the coast in which we navigate; you can’t see the shoals but they’re there. I think that’s an important step in and of itself.
That’s not to say that being around my family causes complacency, but we all have a tendency to “get comfortable”, and with that comes the possibility of not working hard toward maintaining movement. It’s just something to keep in mind. I like the idea that they’re coming back to something better and I want to keep working toward being better every day. I want to build on the progress.
So what progress has been made thus far?
I’ve learned how to be happy with imperfection, how to see the positive in making strides rather than creating unattainable goals. The key there is this: keep moving and you eventually get there. Focusing on taking steps rather than achievement means you’re living in the moment and appreciating the beauty of it rather than wondering if – when you ‘get there’ – will it be good enough?
I’ve learned that I’m so super fortunate to have a support system that really understands who I am and what I’m attempting to do. Restructuring isn’t easy; realigning is painful. Ivonne, Spencer, Tom and Brett have been invaluable the last few weeks. I have different relationships with each of them, but they’re all so amazingly valuable in their own ways.
I’ve learned that relationships must be reciprocal. Empty Calorie relationships – the kind that make you feel full, but really only give you what you think you want – have no emotionally nutritional value whatsoever. Sure, they feel good because they provide instant gratification, but when the buzz wears off and the party is over, what’s left but a bunch of shit to clean up? Kinda tired of shoveling shit, you know? This, in turn, makes me give more of myself so that I’m providing emotional nutrition to my family and friends. I want people to gravitate toward me for the right reasons, not to binge and leave. I’m past that now.
I’ve learned that Yoga Fucking Sucks and I’m stoked to keep doing it.
I’ve learned – well, been reminded, really – that music is my place. It’s a positive space that allows me to be creative and functional in the most positive of ways. I’d been bastardizing it for a long time, making it a burden rather than an outlet. It became a form of control that almost ruined relationships rather than a creative bonding agent. I can’t let that happen again.
Now, all this isn’t to say that all is well. I’ve got more work to do – like maintaining positive movement, excising toxicity, addressing relationships with other individual people, staying focused, weathering the troughs, all the things that make for the spice of life – but for the first time in a really long time, I’m happy with where I am, with what I’ve accomplished but I’m not daunted with the unknown.
So, TL;DR: It’s a start and I’m happy – and that’s really fucking cool. Now I’m ready to get laid like whoa.
So what’s on the docket for tonight:
– General Housekeeping
– Checking the mail, which I haven’t done and Ivonne knows it.
– Beating off like twice so I don’t blow her spine out of her back like Predator on the subway.
– If I get all of that done, maybe I’ll go see Lucy….
… or start writing another track.
Yoga Day 2:
1. It’s easier in that I kinda know what’s coming.1 It’s harder in that I’m trying to do it better. Bitches.
2. I hadn’t done the set since before I went down to Tom’s so I was curious as to how I’d hold up. Two thoughts here:
2a. Pretty surprised at myself that I forced myself to do it. There was a moment where I seriously wondered if procrastination was going to win the day.
2b. Once again, a rather emotional response at the end. I’ll have to talk to C about that.2
3. I’m not a morning person, but thanks, Judas, for being a crackhead and waking me up.
4. I can see how this can be addicting, too.
5. Fuck you, Yoga. See you tomorrow.
For Father’s Day, Reza made me one of those tiles you paint and gift. It’s black and white with a painted black border, a red I Love You and Heart, and a Black Skull. I put my coffee on it every morning, so it’s doing the job, but I like it better when there’s no cup on it. It makes me smile.
They’ve been gone a few days short of a week and emotionally it’s felt like much longer. Physically, though, I’ve been busy and focused and with work reconvening this week, I’m sure the next 10 days or so will fly by. I’m excited. I know they’re having a good time – not without its challenges, mind you – but it’s been a phenomenal experience for Reza to be around friends and family; Ivonne sent me a few pictures of Reza with Killian at lunch and there’s a very real part of me that feels guilty for taking her from that. Truth is, though, these moments are special because of infrequency; there’s simply not enough time for Alpha Contention to filigree the impressionable heart.
Oh my. If that’s wasn’t a projection, not sure what is.
Speaking of headspace: The last few weeks have been really good. I’m able to recognize progress – which is good – but I’m also seeing ways that I regress into long-held habits.
For instance: I’ve got a lot of “things” I need/want to do. I’m working on one track that’s coming together rather nicely: I feel I’m “behind” a bit, but that’ll be fixed the next couple days. I’m taking two online classes through Coursera that haven’t received full attention, but I attribute that to being out of town this weekend and all the travel-prep and family time during the beginning of the week. Now, I’m not sure if these are standard JC excuses, or real incidents that incur acceptable delays, but the difference is that I’m looking forward to forcing myself to make it happen. I’m seeing the value of the finished product for the first time in a long while. That’s a really good thing for me.
Now, if only I could talk myself into another yoga session.
Hey, don’t get me wrong: Physical progression is just as important as mental and emotional foundationalism, but christ if I’m having a hard time throwing the mat back down and doing session number two. Gonna do it though. Gotta do it. Fuck me. And fuck that bitch telling me to do sideways-facing bat-dog pose like it’s no big deal. Fuck you, evil whore. Go ahead, put your forehead back on your shin, see what happens to you. Bet your pussy smells.
Before all that though, I’m having Big Gay Dinner with Seth tonight. Sushi anyone?
I’ve needed this, no doubt. But I miss my girls. Can’t wait to see their shining faces.
The girls are gone. The place is empty.
Dropped right into recording and I agree with Chase when we were discussing the other day: the first take is
always usually the best. You get that raw, emotional feeling out of it before it becomes a pattern, a cadence, a mechanism. I’m looking forward to seeing where this one goes. The goal is to get this done and off to Spenc0r before the girls get home.
I got that shit handled.
Sometimes people get a raw deal. Sometimes there’s not a fucking thing in the world you can do about it except watch and listen. Those are the worst times for a friend of those in need or trouble. I really wish I could help… but yeah. Nothing I can do but be that guy who, when it’s time to look around for those who can support you, will be right there. Was all the time.
I know Ivonne’s worried about a lot of things on this trip and a secret little part of her is concerned I’m going to run to the liquor store, pay for a whole bunch of shitty beer with my credit card and pass out on the couch. I’ve got card in hand, sure, but it’s poised for Carnitas greatness. Then, I’m coming back here, I’m gonna write some words down and make a badass song.
Wish me luck.
It’s swampy out there tonight. Cool but humid. Weird ass shit, says me.
Guess who’s not going to work tomorrow? Guess who’s not going to work all week?
Carrot Cake is the business.
So the girls are off to SD on Wednesday. I’m gonna spend some time with them Monday and Tuesday, get them on the plane, then head to Tom’s on Friday. In between all that, I’ve got a song to finish arranging and some test vox to drop. I’m really can’t wait to dive in…
I’m coming to terms with the fact that the relationships I have with people may not be or have been the best. As a matter of fact, many of them have been less than optimal for either of us. That’s not to say they can’t be fixed, because I’m doing that now and it’s paying off immediately, but you come to realize the relationships that are important – and more importantly – why.
I don’t know the answers, but I’m starting to see the questions and that’s progress.
One thing I’ve discovered: My relationship with alcohol, as toxic as it is, is a direct result of having what I’d consider a disrespectful relationship with myself. That goes for any other substance that can be abused. Food can be part of that, too, but that’s something for another time.
For now, though, I’mma enjoy the next few days, enjoy the grounding time, and really get some work done.
And also masturbation.
Ugh. I should know better than this.
Note to self: When done writing for the day, play something shittier than yours so as to not repeatedly punch yourself in the Dick of Creativity. That really hurts after a while.
So this has been a good weekend despite a significant lack of mobility: I was going to hit the skating rink and pussed out. I was going to hit the driving range but it got hot. Weah. So, I watched Doctor Who with my girl, the World Cup Final while playing Find The Hidden Bellybutton, more Doctor Who, and, when the girls went to the pool, started my arrangements.1 Granted, it’s just a shell, but I dare say it’ll work. It better fucking work; I’m gonna make it work. I’ll send it off to Spenc0r, he’ll work his magic and I’m back in business.
I gotta launch this fucking rocket, man.
So I’m gonna pick up my Chinese food in 20 minutes, watch some Monuments Men with my lady and wash clothes, ’cause I’m pretty sure I have Jack to wear for next week.
Speaking of next week, I’m excited about next week ’cause I’m more excited about the week after: Ivonne and Reza are going to San Diego next Wednesday and I’ve decided to take that entire week off – not only to spend with them before they go, but to see them off properly and check my head when they leave. I’d love to be able to go, but can’t… my Materia is spent. Gotta hit an Inn.
I feel simpler lately. Not sure why or where, but I feel… simpler. Like there are three things in front of me and each of them are manageable, rather than a smorgasbord of infinite options ripping at my particles.
Spencer had it right when he said one day: “Your problem is you have too many options. Maybe you’d be more productive if you limited yourself to what you can use…”
Chrometaphor. Hah! I’ll always get the last laugh, Nemesis.
- If you know me AT ALL, this is really good progress. Really. [↩]
Yeah, so I’ve been sitting here looking at my screen trying to find the right words to effectively convey how happy I am for my hetero-life-mate and arch-nemesis Spenc0r.
I love that dude and he’s got a girl that loves him, so much so that he asked her to marry him and she said yes and there go all my hopes and dreams.
I guess I missed the boat. There it goes… sailing off into the glorious horizon with breasts at the helm. How can I compete with that?
So as the lonely tears mark their tracks from my ducts to the floor, I raise a glass1 to you, Lord and Soon-To-Be-Lady Zyxt. May the terror you wield together be as deep and terrible as the seas you sail, and may we meet again to wage our timeless battle, but only after you’ve weakened yourself with too much sex. Thus shall my victory be complete.
Fucking love you more that I can ever say, dude. Congratulations, and may all the happiness in the world be yours.
- See?! That’s funny under the circumstances! FUNNY! [↩]
a mini bio will go here. kneel before Zod!
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