My new office chair arrived today. Reza asked about how much it cost and I lied to her, told her it was cheaper than it actually was. She’s been very money conscious lately and the last thing I wanted her to do was to compare and contrast against the space her mom is in. Not that it’s bad, don’t get me wrong. Ivonne lives in a cute little apartment in mid-city by the airport, but she’s in a space of transition right now and that has Reza a bit on edge. I project a bit of what I think she might be feeling onto the situation, I admit, but I don’t think that allaying her fears is a bad thing right now.
I’m heading to New Hampshire tomorrow for a long weekend; I’ll be back Sunday. I don’t get to go out there as often as I’d like, but we try to make the most of it when I’m there, Sarah and me. I have to get up at 6:00 and I think I’m done packing, but I’ve gotta do the dishes real quick, ’cause the last thing I wanna come home to is a sink full of five-day-old unwashed bowls. No thanks.
But, I’m heading to the tundra. They got a couple feet of snow the last few days, so it’s straight up Winter Wonderland steez. I’m in.
I got my last assignment submitted for my Intermediate Creative Writing class today. The one thing that bummed me out about this class was the lack of legit critique. I get it – you want to build a community where peer feedback becomes your signposts – but let’s be honest, some of these people couldn’t write themselves out of a paper bag, Anne Rice style. You won’t remember the details when you look back on this, but this one chick straight up wrote the worst romance novel bullshittery you’d ever read. It was absolutely, insanely awesome. I gotta give her props for writing what she wanted. You go, crazy romance lady.
I still don’t think you write about a woman’s love handles, but that’s just me.
I finished the last few episodes of Parks and Rec tonight and why the hell did that show fuck me up the way it did? The last season was funny as shit, but damn, with the feels. Fuck. I’ve been pretty sensitive the last couple days but it’s legit a good show and got me in the strings.
I sent Stats the vox demo of a track we’re working on. I’m not convinced he’s into it or that I think its the right direction for that music, to be honest. Can it be better? Am I psyching myself out that it’s not? I hate this part of the creative process, when you can’t help but shit on it. I guarantee, though, that if I sat on it for a year, went back and listened to it, I’d wonder why the fuck I didn’t do anything with it. So, sit on it, homie – just for a few days – and get back and finish it. You’ve got a great thing going here and this might be your last chance. Make it happen.
It was a bit gloomy today. Six packs of tortillas to bring to East Coast friends couldn’t lift the clouds, but they have a way of parting just when you need them to.
Reza went to bed on her own tonight. I checked in on her at about 10 and she was passed the fuck out. Getting up early, lots of Physical Education (she won’t stop bitching about her knees! ahahahahahah) and comfort can do that to a kid. She’s going to her mom’s tomorrow, though, and I’m not gonna lie, I get real used to having her around. I went through a real transition phase where I was embracing the solo time, and that’s not a bad thing. I needed to get my head on straight. I’m gonna miss her when I’m gone, but I’ll have her for a couple days when I get home. I’ll be glad when we do this week-on-week-off schedule; just means I won’t be home alone by myself as much ’cause I’ll be able to travel for work. For the time being, anyway. But we went clothes shopping the other day and I dunno man, time is flying. It’s going to fast and you can’t keep up and as hard as you try she’s getting older and she’s not going to need us anymore.
Maybe that’s the thing. I always knew I’d be a good dad, but not the let’s-go-build-a-treehouse or …
I have a lot of regrets. Let’s just leave it at that for now.
Anyway, back to today. It was a good day, looking back. I got everything done I needed to do, I’m taking off to see my girl tomorrow, Reza is comfortably asleep in her room and I’m a really lucky person, believe it or not.
I think the end of this month is gonna be hard. I should have expected it, but it just kinda hit me out of the blue. It took years for me to get to the point that late March didn’t turn me into a werewolf and I’m afraid this one – this series of years, I mean – is gonna be just as bad. No telling, really, until it’s over.
I’m just feeling especially nostalgic and wistful. I miss Iceland. I stood on top of that promontory overlooking the glacier and it was just me, so small, so infantile next to the overwhelming brilliance of this blue river of ice. I felt so small, so alone, so alive.
This doesn’t feel like a depression, though. This feels different. Like an especially difficult day of molting.