It’s about 2:00 AM on Sunday morning; I got back from Ascension about an hour ago. I’ve got a flurry of thoughts in my head about how best to use this time, this energy, this place for creative outlets. Funny how seeing Robin and Julie do their thing made me crave the stage. That’s another thing I just kinda let go, but I’m not going to let the guilt creep in. Here we are, let’s work with what we have. So, I decided to take some old Irulan tracks that Spencer and I worked on and give them a revamp, an ensprucening. I’m hopeful that gives me a platform to stand on. It has before, it will again. They’re old to me, but nobody’s ever really heard them, so fuck it. Let’s go.
We had a long talk today and it felt fruitful. I need to be careful, though, that I don’t read into the warmth that follows understanding. We seem to agree on most of the major building blocks and I believe her when she says she doesn’t want this to get nasty. I don’t either. The thing is, despite the potential for bullshittery, I trust her. I know she has her own, and Reza’s, and – in her own way – my best interests at heart.
She revealed a few things today that were important for me to hear and I let her know how kind it was for her to do so. I know it wasn’t easy for her; god knows she doesn’t want to relive the things that cause her pain. But I need to hear them just as much as she needs to say them because I don’t want to be left with a nebula of misunderstanding and supposition. That’s not cool to me. It felt good, though, to talk without hedging, to speak without bracing, to be tactful yet direct about very deep wounds. I need to be careful here, too: If I’ve hashed it out once, no need to revisit. This isn’t a dissection, this is a clearing of air, and no justice is done by cutting open the veins. Address it, speak your mind, then move on because you both need to heal and neither of you can if you keep picking.
I’m sad tonight. It felt good get out, but the sadness remains.
I’m going to go on a hike this morning, so I need to try to get some sleep. We’ll see.