I’m feeling pretty fucking anxious lately.  Today, just right now, stability eludes me, and I’m worried that even saying it out loud, putting it on paper, would somehow cause backlash or misunderstandings that are completely unmerited.  I’m struggling with limits:  When they’re reached, what that means, where boundaries lie, when self-preservation is invoked and what my own health is worth.  I’m lashing out internally.

I can’t remember if it was Edon or John that said something along the lines of that when we find ourselves in a place of upheaval, the nihilistic portion of ourselves – it was John; we were talking about parts – wants to just blow it up and walk away like Michael Bay movie.  This is not foreign to me.

Not that I would, but sometimes the urge to pull the ripcord is very very strong.

*deep breath*

It’s debilitating to feel that I unduly qualify my thoughts and expressions, like I don’t have the wherewithal to feel the way I do, with perspectives constantly misconstrued.  But this is why protocol is in place and worth the effort, I think.  I’m really trying to weather this storm with the idea that I will be a stronger person when it passes, but I have this fissure of self-doubt yawning in front of me.  What if my thinking isn’t healthy?  What if it’s selfish in the wrong ways?  What if I’m burdening when I intend to lighten?  What if my growth processes are burying others?

I want to be strong.

Today, I am not.

 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *